Me and my stupid ego

Ever wish your ego would disappear when you really needed it to? Ever wish you had that second chance to make things right? Ever wish deep in your heart that things would have been better had it not been for the very ego which has given you chances far beyond those ever thought possible? Ever wish you had that one chance to just say I’m sorry and have that wonderful human being actually respect you for you? Ever wanted to live that wonderful dream again with an amazing woman? Ever wish you could just snap your fingers and watch things change for the better? Ever wish you were given that amazing chance to dance again with that person? Ever wish you could just hold them because you know that you’re the cause of their hurt and pain? Ever wish that person would stop listening to others and instead listen to their heart? The very heart that allowed them to love someone and know that the person loves them far more than he ever thought he could love someone? Ever wish they could actually pick up your call, knowing that you’ve said things because of your ego, but those things were spiteful and angry. Ever threaten something that you wish would never happen again? If you read this, you know who you are, I want you to know the empty threats will not happen. They can’t happen, not to you, not ever. I promised not to hurt you, and I’ll keep my promise to you even if we are worlds apart right now. I know you made the promise too, both of us have to prove to each other our promises are far more powerful than our threats. If your parents see this, I want to apologize to them. I hope they understand a heart is so amazing. As a matter of fact, after saying the things I said I opened my Bible once again to this very passage:

   There are three, no four things which amaze me

  How an eagle guides through the sky

  How a ship navigates the ocean

 How a snake slithers on rock

And how a man loves a woman

I hope you read this one day soon. I want you to understand how I love you will amaze the world, that we can hurt each other so much, but still know how to love each other so deeply. I wish we can start all over from day one, all over. I miss you.

This crazy stupid world

I’m sure all of you have heard about the six degress of seperation. Ever been in a situation where you truly wished the world was not merely six degrees apart? Right now, I really wish it wasn’t.

My story began on a whim about two years ago,  part of me prays that this truly isn’t the last chapter, but then part of me does wish for it to be last chapter. I know this is stupid, I”m talking about a broken heart. I heard it even from her, “Am I the only woman alive? Why do you want me?” It’s funny but there was a time when I was asked the same question and the only answer I could give was about dreams and how wonderful my world has been. Imagine a fire burning all around and you’re surrounded by a structure of dry ice, you’ll never feel the heat, all you know is that you’re safe no matter what happens. That’s what this amazing woman was to me. She was my structure of dry ice. Of course I hope you know that eventually even dry ice melts due it’s reaction with oxygen in the air, but you pray that the fire has started to lose it’s fuel which makes the passage safe. Oh how I wish I knew how to hold that dry ice right now. Saving that one little piece of dry ice as proof that I survived and giving my gratetitude to that dry ice.

  Right now, I’ll get back to six degress of seperation. These six degrees are the reason why I am hurting more than ever. Someone else does the evil deed but I am the one who is paying for it. Someone else caused the harm, but I don’t know how the six degrees are connected. This is the most painful part of everything.

  About two weeks ago, I was planning to see that piece of dry ice once again. It feels like a mirage in the desert when you’re dying of thirst. The mirage is not her fault, the mirage is just one of those things which happens because of the heat. Funny how accurate of a symbol the mirage is. It makes you think something is there, almost a dillusion from the heat, but then you realize it’s nothing. It’s that small glimmer of hope in a world that is so set on destroying hope. Especially the hope and beautiful dreams of another person. I hate it so much, there are weeks when her and I get along well, we are both happy, we have our disagreements but that’s because both her and I are so similar in our thinking about life. Lately, it feels like she’s gone in a depression in the opposite direction. Almost the same exact thing I went through.

  I hope she reads this to fully understand how the stupid cliches of my world have become a vain reality. I hope she reads this and thinks for one second that now is my turn. I need to be her structure of dry ice while the world around her will burn. I do not want her to suffer being burned, I want her to know that I am ready, willing and able to provide that structure of dry ice knowing that eventually the reaction with the oxygen will make me nonexistant. I miss you like crazy, not for the love, but because when we spoke calmly as the two people we truly are, then things went well. We did make each other laugh to this day, we made each other cry but most imporantatly, we always grew stronger together. The bamboo is stronger with another bamboo than with any other material. I hope you understand that both of us are bamboo, even our astrological signs prove it, and we can derive strength together but destroy each other when we are used against one another. I hope it all makes sense to you