Insanity…What a beauftiful feeling!!!

Here’s an old blog I wrote years ago and just found again..the words still hold true!

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over, expecting the result to change each time. Most people in the business world have accepted this as the true definition of insanity. Sadly, this may apply only to the business world’s definition and not to the definition of the rest of the world. A good majority may define insanity as actions without knowledge as to the end result. Others may try to explain it as a medical condition. So then what exactly is insanity?
Insanity, what an odd topic to blog about. I have my own definition, which may surprise many people. My definition of insanity is somewhat a hybrid of what many accept. My definition is taking actions based on this absolute blind faith of a desired result. Most would call that wishful thinking, to me its insanity. It’s insanity in its most wonderful form.
Think about this, ever met someone who has fallen in love over the internet? Ever met a parent who went from doctor to doctor in hopes of finding a cure for their ill child? How about the child who sets out to conquer the world, but has no clue which way to go? Maybe it might as simple as driving with no destination, only to come upon a beautiful scene which you only notice because the road has ended.
Still not sure what I’m talking about, well let’s take the first one, someone who has fallen in love with another but has never seen them. Most people think this is odd and completely out of the ordinary. They think it’s odd until they realize that the blind do fall in love. Wait, blind people can’t see, so therefore they have fallen in love with someone they have never seen. Doesn’t seem so odd now does it? I think people don’t realize that in our society of emphasizing beauty, we forget about those who can’t see at all. What’s even funnier is this statistic that the blind have the lowest divorce rates period. Only 5% of the blind get a divorce, yet 50% of the rest of population gets a divorce. Maybe they have something special that the rest of the world needs to learn about. Maybe their lack of sight causes them to seek for a deeper, more fulfilling relationship, beyond vanity and tolerance. Regardless of what it is, the blind have a vision which needs to be taught to the rest of the world.
Now how about the love of parents, who will go to any lengths to ensure their child will survive. They love their child so unconditionally that looks, money nor time matters to them. Many parents will commit themselves to a life of poverty if their child will survive. The beautiful dreams they once had of owning a home, building a business and growing old in peace are no longer important. Seeing their ill child become well again, for their dreams and desires, that’s an exchange any parent would make in a heartbeat and never think twice about it.
With the two previous examples are examples of great love. Love so unbelievable, so unconditional, just so perfect that insanity is the first term to come to mind for most people. Loving without seeing, loving without contingencies, loving in its purest form, what a wonderful idea. Before you call me crazy, please correct yourself because this craziness has a name it goes by; insanity

Sometimes Life is not always Black and White

This goes to someone from my past. I think so many know about her. I’m not obsessed with her. I just want her to know that I do love her and respect her as a human being. We’re human, we will make mistakes in our journey through life. I guess there is only person who has taught me something so amazing that I will never forget it ever.
I ran into an older lady the other day at Starbucks (yes, I’m a coffee junkie). Well this lady was talking about her husband who’s suffering from so many different ailments that he views himself as weak. This amazing woman was telling me that the one thing she never regrets is falling in love with her husband. They didn’t have an easy life. As a matter of fact, she came from wealth and he came from poverty. She was telling me how her family didn’t like him and his friend disliked her. All she kept talking about with an amazing glow in her eyes was how her husband never gave up. He always fought for them even when she was very rude and mean to him. She couldn’t believe that men who fight and never give up exist.
I hope you’re reading this because I want you to know that if you do decide to come back into my life again at some point, I will be glad to hear from you again. Remember, I cherished our friendship far more than our relationship. You were always an amazing friend and it would be nice if we can continue to be friends again. I want you to remember that in life the path of friendship is very unique because no one actively seeks out their friends, but when they discover them, they learn it’s hard to let go. If you read this, just remember, I’m not upset, I’m not angry, I’m done crying, I’m done with the fights. We loved each other once upon a time, and I’m sure that we may never love each other again. I just like talking to you and letting you know that I’m one of the few that can make you laugh. Just pick up and call me if you like, I promise I will pick up!

Me and my stupid ego

Ever wish your ego would disappear when you really needed it to? Ever wish you had that second chance to make things right? Ever wish deep in your heart that things would have been better had it not been for the very ego which has given you chances far beyond those ever thought possible? Ever wish you had that one chance to just say I’m sorry and have that wonderful human being actually respect you for you? Ever wanted to live that wonderful dream again with an amazing woman? Ever wish you could just snap your fingers and watch things change for the better? Ever wish you were given that amazing chance to dance again with that person? Ever wish you could just hold them because you know that you’re the cause of their hurt and pain? Ever wish that person would stop listening to others and instead listen to their heart? The very heart that allowed them to love someone and know that the person loves them far more than he ever thought he could love someone? Ever wish they could actually pick up your call, knowing that you’ve said things because of your ego, but those things were spiteful and angry. Ever threaten something that you wish would never happen again? If you read this, you know who you are, I want you to know the empty threats will not happen. They can’t happen, not to you, not ever. I promised not to hurt you, and I’ll keep my promise to you even if we are worlds apart right now. I know you made the promise too, both of us have to prove to each other our promises are far more powerful than our threats. If your parents see this, I want to apologize to them. I hope they understand a heart is so amazing. As a matter of fact, after saying the things I said I opened my Bible once again to this very passage:

   There are three, no four things which amaze me

  How an eagle guides through the sky

  How a ship navigates the ocean

 How a snake slithers on rock

And how a man loves a woman

I hope you read this one day soon. I want you to understand how I love you will amaze the world, that we can hurt each other so much, but still know how to love each other so deeply. I wish we can start all over from day one, all over. I miss you.

This crazy stupid world

I’m sure all of you have heard about the six degress of seperation. Ever been in a situation where you truly wished the world was not merely six degrees apart? Right now, I really wish it wasn’t.

My story began on a whim about two years ago,  part of me prays that this truly isn’t the last chapter, but then part of me does wish for it to be last chapter. I know this is stupid, I”m talking about a broken heart. I heard it even from her, “Am I the only woman alive? Why do you want me?” It’s funny but there was a time when I was asked the same question and the only answer I could give was about dreams and how wonderful my world has been. Imagine a fire burning all around and you’re surrounded by a structure of dry ice, you’ll never feel the heat, all you know is that you’re safe no matter what happens. That’s what this amazing woman was to me. She was my structure of dry ice. Of course I hope you know that eventually even dry ice melts due it’s reaction with oxygen in the air, but you pray that the fire has started to lose it’s fuel which makes the passage safe. Oh how I wish I knew how to hold that dry ice right now. Saving that one little piece of dry ice as proof that I survived and giving my gratetitude to that dry ice.

  Right now, I’ll get back to six degress of seperation. These six degrees are the reason why I am hurting more than ever. Someone else does the evil deed but I am the one who is paying for it. Someone else caused the harm, but I don’t know how the six degrees are connected. This is the most painful part of everything.

  About two weeks ago, I was planning to see that piece of dry ice once again. It feels like a mirage in the desert when you’re dying of thirst. The mirage is not her fault, the mirage is just one of those things which happens because of the heat. Funny how accurate of a symbol the mirage is. It makes you think something is there, almost a dillusion from the heat, but then you realize it’s nothing. It’s that small glimmer of hope in a world that is so set on destroying hope. Especially the hope and beautiful dreams of another person. I hate it so much, there are weeks when her and I get along well, we are both happy, we have our disagreements but that’s because both her and I are so similar in our thinking about life. Lately, it feels like she’s gone in a depression in the opposite direction. Almost the same exact thing I went through.

  I hope she reads this to fully understand how the stupid cliches of my world have become a vain reality. I hope she reads this and thinks for one second that now is my turn. I need to be her structure of dry ice while the world around her will burn. I do not want her to suffer being burned, I want her to know that I am ready, willing and able to provide that structure of dry ice knowing that eventually the reaction with the oxygen will make me nonexistant. I miss you like crazy, not for the love, but because when we spoke calmly as the two people we truly are, then things went well. We did make each other laugh to this day, we made each other cry but most imporantatly, we always grew stronger together. The bamboo is stronger with another bamboo than with any other material. I hope you understand that both of us are bamboo, even our astrological signs prove it, and we can derive strength together but destroy each other when we are used against one another. I hope it all makes sense to you

I could really use a wish right now

Ever wish that anyone was paying attention to you? I know it sounds childish, but right now I just want one person to read what I have to write. I won’t mention her name because I don’t want this to be tied back to her. It’s not fair nor right to her.
Regardless, if that one special woman is reading this, can we please make it work. I’ve realized that there is nothing, nothing either one of us could never work out. I know I’ve hurt you because of my anger, I have changed drastically, I have changed so much. I want you to know that I love you so much and I will make things work. I can’t promise you the world, all I can promise you is that I will be there. I can’t promise you a mansion, all I can promise is a roof over your head. I love you so much. I miss you far more than anyone ever thought I would miss anyone. I love you dearly. I pray every day for you for you to be happy. Please keep reading this. If you get married, then please let me know. If you are still single one year from when we broke up, August 9, 2010, then I will be in your town and all you will have to do is just show up. If you are not her and you are reading this, I ask you to pray for me that I will be back together with the woman I truly love.

This crazy, crazy, crazy Journey

I hope all this pain, all of this heartache is worth every bit of it. I know I have hurt and so has she. All I have left now are prayers. If she finds other people then I have no choice but to be happy for her. I can no longer go on alienating her. I can no longer go on with much else other than wishing her all the best and pray that God can make things right between us again, some way, some how. Not only did I lose someone I loved very much, I lost a very, very, very close friend of mine that understood me like no one ever has. A friend that was there during my lowest points and there to celebrate my highlights. I hope she does get around to reading all this. I am sorry for the dumbest of things. All this over 30 seconds of me being impatient. Thirty seconds has led me to some of the worst of pains. I can never wish this upon anyone, not even my worst enemies.

Please forgive me..

I hear apologies over the most minor of things. I guess it’s just human nature to constantly apologize. I think rather than constantly apologize there should be actiosn that dictate how sorry you truly are.

Many years back I learned from an elderly couple that the single most powerful words in their relationship was “I’m sorry”. To them these two words dictated the importance of forgiving the other person, not only because you love them but also because you realize that one day you’ll make a mistake too.  The elderly man even went into the story of the reason why they believe in the apology. It was back in the early 60’s during the Korean War. He was shipping off to war shortly after dating his future wife for nearly two years. He was gone for almost two years at war. She was lonely and only getting lonlier. He prayed every day for God to keep her safe and have God bring them back together. Sadly for him she was becoming the talk of the town because she was blossoming into a beautiful woman. Everyone was pressuring her, saying he wouldn’t be true. He’ll never come back home to her or he probably died during the war. She couldn’t help but eventually give in to all this negative talk about him. So she started to see other men and date around. Well, two years later he came home only to realize that the woman he loved and prayed for every day was no longer around for him. She kept telling him that she found someone new that he neglected her for two years. It didn’t matter how much he apologized or what he did to try to gain her love back, nothing seemed to work. As a matter of fact, the harder he tried, the more negative the comments got about him. He couldn’t move forward with his life. He was suicidal, he didnt’ buy the the whole pretend to give your heart to someone then take it back if things do not work out. She was going about her business when one day things got bad for her. She was seeing a man who did nothing but beat her. That very man propsed to her but when she told him that she wasn’t sure, he beat her so badly that the doctors told her that she would never be the same again.

This poor man. He loved a woman so much that he didn’t care. He ran to her side the first chance he got. For months he was by her side in any he could be. The people who were negative never once showed their face to her. They made every excuse they could find. It was his love and care that got her walking again, talking again, laughing again and just being happy with life. I wish the story ended right there. As soon as she got up again, she left him again; she kept telling him that the pain of the lonely nights is something she could never forget. She kept yelling about how hurt she was while he was at war. She kept telling him about how much of curse he placed upon her life, that’s why she had to endure all she went though

Understandably, this man began to hate this woman and her false accusations. He tried to avoid her and she did whatever she could to hurt him with words every chance she got. He tried so hard to start a new relationship, but it never worked out until one fateful day. Nearly five years later, she gets into another car accident. This time the doctors are certain that she will never walk again. He hears the news and rushes to see her the first chance he gets. It was in this fateful moment that she realized it was his love that constantly saved her. With his loving care, she became well again.

For months afterward, all she did was apologize to him. He didn’t care for her apologies. To him her apologies were not nearly as important as her being in his life. It was at that very time he realized that an apology means little without the right actions. She constantly cries over her behavior, but he wants her to never think about it again.

I would like to take this time to tell the world that I am the one who should be doing all the apologizing. I hurt Swati so much that she will never recover because of how I hurt her. She is trying to fill her life with material pleasures in an attempt to be happy again. When we first met, both of us experienced a level of happiness that only God would understand. I still care about her would like to ask her to please forgive me.  Swati, I hope you realize that when we were together, we experienced a level of happiness that no one else in world can ever give to us.

Please forgive me, I know not what I do

Please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you

Don’t deny me, this pain I’m going through

Please forgive me, I need you like I do.

True love….

I know all the games guys usually play to get back their ex. They find the next hot chick..they play along as if they don’t need their ex. I can’t do that. I miss my Swati like crazy. I know I messed up and did things wrong at times. I never was perfect, all I know is this, I do love her and I will endure anything anyone can conjure up so as long as they can ensure that I will be with her after that for all of eternity. Sticks, stones, baseball bats, even bullets, I will endure. I want her to know that this is the one time she will see a guy fight for her. She will realize how much this guy does love her and why he won’t give up. It’s not obsession nor is it lust..it’s love. It’s looking at her picture and seeing the mother of your children. It’s looking at her picture and praying that you will be the guy that wakes up next her every morning and you will cherish waking up next to her. It’s about making a promise to never hurt her ever again…it’s so much, yet it’s so little. It’s so easy to dream, but it’s so hard to prove. I just want for anyone reading this to just pray that things will be the result I want and things will be back to perfect again in my life.  I love Swati so much